not ready, but willing.

I've been debating with myself for the last few days about whether or not I would write this post. But I've shared so much with you guys already it feels a bit ridiculous to hold back this huge thing that's been taking up most of the space in my head- and my heart- lately.

It's possible that I could be pregnant.

It's not likely, but it's possible. I guess it's been possible at any point in time since the Hubs and I got married, but I was always on birth control. And I was super-diligent with it. But that's beside the point. What I mean to say is that, right now, my body could be doing something more important than it's ever done before...and all I can do is sit and wonder.

The relief of having jumped the hurdles of "Do we want kids?" to "Yes, we do" to "Okay, we should get off birth control" to "Now we're officially done with contraception" to actually doing the deed is palpable. I can't believe I'm not freaking out right now. Truly. Everything up to this moment has just been three straight months of fear-induced anxiety and now I'm suddenly calm. Can someone explain this to me?

I suppose it has a lot to do with prayer. Well, I don't suppose. I know. But still. I always get a little surprised when God comes through for me. I don't know that I should admit that on the internet where it will never go away, but I just did. Sue me. I doubt I'm the only person who's ever felt that way before. And I have proof: there are lots of us in the Bible.

I'm not ready for this, though. I'm not ready. But I am willing. And despite all my existential questions about the nature of God's will versus ours and how He chooses to create life when He could just as easily not... I am calm. Maybe I'm even a little at peace. Halle-freakin-lujah! God's will is just a big mystery to me and I like it that way. If I had all the answers then I wouldn't need Him. And I do. Oh Lord, how I do. Not knowing what comes next (and now filling up my time with questions about whether or not I should ever drink alcohol again or keep drinking coffee every day since I could end up pregnant at any point in time) has me going back to God every single day for confirmation that what we've decided to do wasn't just our decision. It was His first. There's so much comfort in that. In a weird way, not being on birth control is a stress-reliever because the choice is not really ours. I can see you bristling right now (don't think I can't) because we live in a culture that's so decidedly pro-choice (in every way)...but Pierce and I have done what we can do. We've done what we should do. We did make a choice and the choice was to stop trying to control everything and walk into this with great faith. 

We're not being passive; we're just tired of playing God.

I fully believe that God will never force His will on us. I know that my birth control pills were no match for what He wanted (I mean, hello? Can we talk about Mary and the virgin birth of Jesus for a sec?) but I also believe that should we have chosen to keep using them, I probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant. If Mary had not been willing to carry Jesus, God wouldn't have chosen her. She wasn't ready either...but she was willing.

I've thought about this a hundred different ways, and I still don't really know what I'm talking about. Just humor me. Whatever it is that God wants to accomplish with me could probably be accomplished another way. But I imagine that if I chose another way it would be much more difficult, perhaps even more dangerous, and far more time-consuming. Like "going around your ass to get to your elbow" as my Dad likes to say.

I'm not ready to be a mother. I am frightened of what it means for my identity as a woman, as a wife, as a dreamer. But I'm more frightened of what I will miss out on if I turn and run in the other direction. So even though I'm not ready, I am willing. We are willing. And that's all there is to it.