what's to come (and almost twenty weeks)

I'm not going to say that this pregnancy has flown by, even though - in so many ways - it has. I feel as though I've had adequate time to enjoy each little change, but time itself is to blame here, I suppose, for the speed with which I feel like we're hurtling towards parenthood. And I suppose time will also be to blame when I blink and baby will be having a family of his or her own.

Such is life.

There is much to say, and my heart is full. I prayed for a long time last night in our bedroom, quietly sharing my thoughts with God aloud about the person I long to be and how I wonder if I'll ever actually succeed. Sometimes life is tiring because it's always a process. Have you ever felt like you just wish you could finally arrive at that "place" where all is well and nothing need change? Where you've finally discovered how to be simultaneously patient, loving, generous, compassionate, hard-working, dedicated, fearless, faithful, servant-hearted, and filled with peace? Where you've finally mastered the perfect daily balance of eating right, managing your time, completing your tasks, loving on loved ones, and resting well, too? 

I long for that day. But I know it won't come while I'm here on earth. 

C.S. Lewis talks about longing for heaven because we were created for it. I believe in this truth because I feel it all the time. Sometimes I just feel awkward in my own skin.

During my prayer I came to realize that I'm allowing myself to chase after this idea of perfection rather than chase after the One who IS perfect. Because even though it's difficult, and straining, and sometimes all consuming, the relationship part - the WHOLE part - of knowing God is going to take more of me. 

But isn't that what I signed up for when I gave my life to Him? 

My head knows is requires more, and my heart answers with a resounding, "That's why it's WORTH so much more!" But my head is very good at ignoring reason. And if you know anything about the way my mind can fix itself on an idea and turn it over and over until it's worn down to nothing, well. You know I'm very good at running in the exact opposite direction of where I know I should be headed.

Good intentions are my specialty. I genuinely want good things to fill my life so I can fill the lives of those I meet with the same good things, but I like to do it my own way. And it's tiring. It's even more tiring when you're fully aware that you're trying to catch a fish in the air... 

Or, in other words, you know you're going down a dead-end street.

I wasn't made to do all of this on my own. I wasn't even made to be good on my own. I was made in God's image so that I could continually pursue HIM. He is the only One who can actually give me the desires of my heart...or change me into the person I long to be.

I'm glad I'm learning this lesson. My hope is that I'll never have to learn it again. And while I will most likely continue to strive for perfection (in both healthy and unhealthy ways...thanks Pinterest!), I pray I will always strive to know Jesus first. 

And let everything else come as it may.

The remaining twenty weeks of this pregnancy are crucial for me as a mother-to-be. While my husband appears to have already mastered the art of going with the flow, I simply want to take what comes - the good, the bad, the exquisite, and the painful - as a part of this journey towards heaven. And allow myself to feel it without believing I am a failure for not fitting into the world's idea of perfection. I want to be God's idea of perfection. I want our little one to understand his or her worth only comes from God.

And that lesson will only come if we teach it. So we must learn it now.

Sweet baby Nunnery, we're about to find out a little bit more about you. On Wednesday, we'll finally be able to call you by name and share it with our loved ones. And when you get here, you're going to be showered with hugs and kisses and compliments. But, one day, those things will fall away and the world will start to reveal itself to you in ways that are sometimes ugly and messy. Don't believe it's all there is. Perfection is waiting for you...but you won't find it here. Discover who your heavenly Father sent for you, and learn to love Him as He has loved you. You will strive to have and be everything at once - as well all do - but you've already succeeded. So wait for heaven. And let everything else come as it may.