a decision

well, we did it.

the hubs and I have finally decided, after some tears (me) and lots of sweet "can you just imagine?" stories (him) to get off birth control.

somehow, writing it here makes it more real.

we've already told some people (and by "we" i mean me) and everyone is so excited for us. i love facebook, but i usually don't go into detail there about what's happening in my life ('cuz let's be real here...it's facebook and, not only will no one give two you-know-whats, facebook is hardly the place for sharing things like this) so you guys are really the first to know outside my family and friends. i'm glad you're here to be a part of this, even if i've never met you.

blogging has helped give me courage in a way i never expected, and it's bubbled over into other parts of my life. i get to share stories with women who are also young and married and love books and fashion and taking tons of unnecessary pictures. and i'm grateful that they share their stories too because, without them, i might forget what i know about motherhood already and continue hiding out behind my computer. i don't want to be that woman. i want to use this blog as a way to express what's in my heart and soul, not to pretend those things don't exist.

so here i am.

telling you something very intimate and personal.

and now all of you will know that the next time pierce and i have sex it will be totally unprotected.

that's kind of weird (not the sex part; the you knowing part). so maybe i shouldn't have just brought that to your attention.

oh well. moving on...

we made the decision last monday, and it was mostly just another ordinary day. i was on my way home from work, and i used that time to pray, like i usually do. i have a long commute and it's the only real uninterrupted time i get to myself. as it has been for nearly a year now, the subject of babies was weighing heavily on my mind and i just had to talk with God to get through it. i told Him that i felt like peter when he walked on water. i said, "God, i know it's You who's telling us to do this. i know it's what You want. but do You want it now? if You do, just tell me to get out of the boat and i will. but i have to know if it's You or i just can't do it."

in that moment, i felt a still small voice speak reassurance to my heart. He told me that everything would happen in His time and that choosing to be obedient (by getting off the pill) wouldn't necessarily mean i would get pregnant immediately. it might. but it also might not. i simply had to trust that He would be in control.

so, like i usually do after the Spirit pokes me in the gut and says, "hey! pay attention!" i felt better. i was scared (of course) but when am i not?

anyway, i went home and shared all of this with the hubs. he laid his head on my stomach and looked up at me with those sweet green eyes and said, with all certainty, "i don't think you're like peter. i think you're like gideon."

"tell me the story," i said back.

so he did.

gideon was a man whom God had told to free the Israelites from their nasty habit of idol worship, but gideon wasn't exactly certain he was hearing from God. so he said, "i'm going to put out this lambskin, and if tomorrow morning it's wet and the ground around it's dry, i'll know it's God." so that's what he did. and the next morning the lambskin was wet and the ground around it was dry.

well, then ol' gideon decided he still wasn't sure, so he put out another lambskin and said, "this time, if the lambskin is dry in the morning and ground around it is still wet, i'll know it's God." and when he woke up, the lambskin was dry and the ground around it was still wet.

so gideon freed the Israelites from their idol worship and there was peace for the rest of his life, just as God had said there would be.

(please forgive my rough summary.)

"so i'm gideon?" i asked the hubs.

"yes," he replied.

"well then i need a lambskin to test whether or not this is God."

and pierce, in response, did what only pierce can do. he put me in my place. with all the love and patience that only a husband can give to his wife.

"wifey," he said softly, "it's time. this is your lambskin. we've got to let it go."

i wish i could accurately describe the sensation of joy and terror that washed through me at that moment. my flesh was desperately trying to hold onto its fear (and, i have to admit, it's still doing a hell of a good job at the moment) while my spirit sang with relief because it knew, more than i can even consciously admit, that pierce was not only right...he was true.

and here we are. a week and one day later. i just finished my last pack. and my mind is racing almost 24/7.

i think about the pregnancy. i think about wearing cute outfits and taking pictures and journaling. i think about watching my belly grow and feeling my baby kick. i wonder what he or she will look like and i imagine his or her little voice.

i've watched "the business of being born" just so i can witness the wonder of natural home birth (that's what i want...pierce told me i was the one who had to go through the pain of labor, so he was just going to do what i told him to do) and i've also watched the national geographic documentary "in the womb" so i can learn all about what happens during those magical ten months of pregnancy.

and sometimes i cry.

and the other times i get close to having a panic attack.

but, mostly, i just think about what it will be like to be a mother. i imagine what it will be like to watch my husband be a father.

and all i feel is joy.